I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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