I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
