My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
