She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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