Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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