The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize