I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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