youre lurking in front of me
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
