all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
