Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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