So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
