Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
