I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
i believe in u and ur pee
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
