you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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