i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
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