It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
