i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
it glows. i had to have it.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
