My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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