D3 body, D1 cock
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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