Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
