if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Bring me that man meat
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize