just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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