I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
You can't motorboat a personality
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
