I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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