you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
