VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
