My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
