I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
