How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
