Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
