bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
