I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
