I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
