Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
