how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
