somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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