my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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