just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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