He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
