I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Randomize
