I can text with my tongue
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
