Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
