I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize