Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
