Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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