all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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