It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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