Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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