You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
