if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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