turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
