I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
