I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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