I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
