if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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