i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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