I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
