I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
