On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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