is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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