I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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