dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
